A Real Poker Player

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

 
"Hey, Joe, I heard you blew your entire bankroll in the game last night?".

"Yep".

"Wow, bet that caused you a sleepless night!".

"Actually, I slept like a baby".

"Huh?!?".

"Yeah - slept for an hour, woke up and cried, slept for an hour, woke up and cried".


During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"


In a 10-20 Hold'em game in a casino, a drunk was beginning to get out of hand.

"Well that was one crap river card from you, dealer!" he bellowed after missing a flush.

The dealer beheld the drunk gravely.

"Sir, there is a young lady at the table. If you don't control your language, you will have to leave".

On the next hand, the drunk makes a set on the flop but loses to a straight.

"Shit! Why don't you just steal my wallet and get it over with!".

The dealer was absolutely at his limit.

"Sir, I'm telling you for the last time; there is a young lady at the table! Control your language or you will be escorted out of here!".

On the following hand, every player in the game wades into the pot. There are raises and caps on every card. In the end, the drunk sucks out an inside straight and wins the pot of the month.

The drunk looks out over his pile of chips at the dealer and asks:

"Do you boys pool your tips together or do you keep them for yourselves?"

The dealer replies:

"All dealers here keep their own tips."

The drunk tosses two green chips at the dealer and says with a grin:

"Well, have a drink on me then, sucker!"

The dealer picks up the $50, turns to the young woman and says:

"Miss, I'm afraid you'll have to leave the table."


How to play Omaha:-

Each player receives four cards. It doesn't matter much what they are because nobody really looks at them anyway.

Next, the dealer puts three cards on the board. It doesn't matter what they are because nobody really pays any attention to the flop either.

Then one more card for the turn and another one for the river, with the same betting scenario as before. It still doesn't really matter much what they are, except for those players who may have "cheated" and looked at their hole cards.

These players may now fold if they have absolutely no outs. (They're mostly bad sports.)

Now, at the showdown, everybody turns over their cards and helps the dealer figure out who has the best hand.

You MUST play two cards out of your hand so this usually takes a while to figure out and the winning hand is usually established after a little bit of searching by all the players and a partially confused dealer.

The dealer now pushes the pot to the wrong player and everybody yells at him; he smiles glibly and says, "Oh yeah, sorry"" and then sends it in the right direction.

After all the excitement dies down, everybody lets out a collective sigh of relief and gets ready to wind up and do it all over again.

Omaha is a fun game! If you prefer even more confusion, try Omaha Hi-Lo...


Proper Poker Etiquette in Cardrooms

From: pokernovice@mail.com

Hello to all.

I am planning a trip to Las Vegas soon, and have never played poker there before. Could anyone suggest a book or better yet an internet resource that would fully explain the proper etiquette involved in playing the game in a casino environment?

No problem, just observe these few simple rules and you'll be fine!

1. When you win a pot you should gloat loudly and tell your opponent how badly he played. Always be sure to tell everyone how well you play and your strategy for winning. Always explain in great detail why you make the plays you do. Tell your opponents how well you read them and point out every little error.
2. When you lose a pot you should throw the cards at the dealer and in a loud voice complain bitterly to the person that beat you about what a bad player he is.
3. Always ask for new decks and setups and constantly complain about how the dealer in the box "cold decks" you whenever he deals. Tell the current dealer and everyone at the table you will never play on one of his downs ever again and not only that, he can't even deal the cards without making a mistake. Even if he doesn't make a mistake wait patiently for some very minor infraction and then loudly complain about his indiscretions.
4. Don't forget to glare and stare at players and dealers and try to intimidate people with your mean callous disposition. Constantly mutter under your breath, always speaking just loud enough so people can hear the foulest stream of obscenities that you can possibly think of.
5. When you miss your straight, flush or full house or fail to make two pair when necessary, cry like a little baby about how unlucky you are and how you never catch any cards. Moan and groan about how unlucky you are. Always complain out loud about the odds against your opponent beating you. Never forget to mention that he had only one card in the deck with which to win. Tell everyone how you can never catch a break. Let people know that if it wasn't for the complete morons sitting at this table, you would be winning a lot of money. Tell them that the world sucks, and wonder out loud about how you could be so unlucky. Tell them you are the best player in the room, yet you are still losing to a bunch of idiots that can't even spell poker.
   
   

All of the above are acceptable, desirable character traits for participation
in any poker game.


A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.

"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."

"How did you manage to do that?"

"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."


A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary skill.

"That's a very smart dog", the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "I've taken three pots off him tonight".


A tinker and his dog enter a bar and discover there is a poker game going in the back room.
The tinker's had a good week so he decides to join in. Most of the players are locals, but one guy, a big winner, is also a stranger in town.

The tinker does ok - up a little, down a little, generally holding his own.

His dog sits on a chair beside him and watches the game.

About an hour into the game, the tinker gets a good 7-stud starting hand. On fifth street he makes a club flush. Unfortunately the stranger appears to be working on a spade flush and his highest up-card is better than the tinker's highest card. As 7th street is being dealt, the tinker pats his dog on the head and says, "Girl, I sure could use an ace of clubs".

The dog jumps down from the chair, runs around to the stranger and bites his ankle. As the stranger reaches down to grab the dog, a card falls out of his sleeve. The dog quickly picks it up in her mouth and brings it back to her master. The stranger, realizing he's been caught cheating, leaps up and runs out the door with several locals in pursuit.

The tinker takes the card from the dog's mouth and starts to swear: "You stupid, goddamn dog! Can't you get anything right?"
The barkeeper chides him: "Mister, why are you swearing at your dog like that? She just saved you a lot of money by catching that cheat!"

The tinker responds by throwing the card face up on the table. "I tell her the ace of clubs and what does she bring me but the goddamn ace of spades!"


Ah, the no limit experience!

Makes me recall the time I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich. When I ordered it, I had a few hundred in chips. It was a $20 buy-in no-limit game. A few minutes later, as I was getting up from my chair, the waitress brings my sandwich. They cost $1.10.
She didn't even look at the spot of green felt in front of my chair, she just looked at my face and said, "You can't pay for this, can you?".


Harry was an avid poker player, bordering on degenerate. He played as often as he could and could hold his own. Unfortunately, he often took his bad beats too seriously and too personally.

One night, after a nine hour session, Harry was dealt four aces and bet a load. George, a skinny old guy who seemed mostly interested in putting Harry on tilt, drew three cards and Harry drew one. Harry thought about check raising, but bet $500.00, figuring George would either call or more likely fold.

Instead, George pushed all his chips in the center and said: "I bet two thousand all-in".

Harry couldn't believe his ears and called the bet.

Grinning from ear to ear, Harry said "Four Aces", and reached for the chips.

"Not so fast, sonny", says George. "I've got me a straight flush to the jack."

Harry went into shock. After a moment or two, he got up and calmly walked into the bathroom. As he splashed water on his face, he noticed an old straight razor on the shelf beneath the mirror. He calmly reached up and took the razor and slashed both wrists.

As he stood there bleeding into the sink, one of the stall doors opened and, Joe, a friend of Harry's walked out.

Upon seeing Harry, Joe said, "Hey, Harry. A bunch of us are going over to Sam's tomorrow for some stud. Wanna go?"

Harry quickly pressed his wrists together, vein on vein, and said, "What time?".


A bum asks a man for $2.

The man says, "Will you buy booze?".

The bum says, "No".

The man says, "Will you gamble it away?".

The bum says, "No".

So the man says, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?".


Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?

A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to make a nut flush on the river.


Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the sharks in Las Vegas?

A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers!


Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your doorstep?

A: Pay him for the pizza.


Q: What is the difference between a poker player and a neurotic dog?

A: After about ten years the dog quits whining.


Q: What's the difference between a tournament director and God?

A: God doesn't think he's a tournament director.


"No wife can endure a poker-playing husband - unless he's a steady winner."


The safest bet for a player to make is what is called a "Mind Bet" You stand behind the game watch the action and attempt to predict the winner. You never bet any real money you only bet in your mind. Last week a friend of mine lost his mind three times.


Q: What's the difference between a large cheese pizza and a poker player?

A: A large cheese pizza can feed a family of 4, a poker player can't.


Q: What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer during a poker game?

A: In a poker game, you really mean it!